Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
she peed on how many people?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
