All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
