Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
