You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
someone owes me an orgasm
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
