You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
