We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
be right there i have to get my cape
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
