There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
