she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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