I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
