Pregnant stripper...not hot.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
