i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
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