There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
