My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
