I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
do nipples grow back?
Randomize