my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
