i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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