sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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