Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
We are all done wearing pants today
Randomize
