is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
