I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
