sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
