you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
