If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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