Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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