my phone needs a breathalizer
i just google imaged poop.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
