so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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