i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
If its not for food we ain't going out.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
