I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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