meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
