my phone needs a breathalizer
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
