I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
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