dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
