as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
