she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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