I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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