Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
