Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
