Soap is not a condiment
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
