also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
