he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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