Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
