My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
