there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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