oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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