Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
