i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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