i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
