it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
