I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
