and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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