Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize