(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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