The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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