Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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