Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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