I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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