I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
